Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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