ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
