Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
