he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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