I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
