We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
