She is in my trunk
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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