Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
