Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
