I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
We just shotgunned beers for America
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
