thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize