I need help removing her.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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