Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
