When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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