Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
