So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
