I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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