omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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