When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
