is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
