I accidentally had phone sex last night
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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