Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I got her a Nickelback box set.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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