i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
