I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Just invented taco cereal.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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