Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
