Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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