I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
She just used a chaser for red wine.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
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