I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
