i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
