your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
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I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
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He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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