I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
