your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
