I smell stomach acid.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I intend to get homeless drunk
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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