She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
