Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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