the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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