at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
