**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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