and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
