It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
