She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
did you make any bad decisions?
many, i pretty much fell in love with a freshman...it doesn't get much better than that
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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