508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
