What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
