Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
