when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
