Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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