I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
