You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
