mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
