If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
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She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
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I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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