You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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