Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
