look no pants
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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