it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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