i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
