you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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