Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
How does it feel to date your dad?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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