you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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