I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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