70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Did I show you my penis last night?
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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