Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
